Six basic rules for dialogue

1. Suspend assumptions

Recognise your own preconceptions: about the other person, about the topic of conversation, and about what is 'true' or 'right'. Make the choice to temporarily 'suspend' these preconceptions. You don't have to let them go or avoid them, but investigate where they come from. Why do you get triggered and why do certain thoughts arise? Be curious about your own thinking, and about what other person brings up. What does that evoke in you and why?

2. Mutual presence

Be fully present in the conversation. Try to see the world through the eyes of the other person. This does not mean you have to agree, but that you genuinely try to understand their truth. Listen attentively without interrupting. The facilitator is there to ensure everyone in the conversation is heard.

3. Collective thinking

Everyone's thoughts together form the collective thought pool of the group. Build on each other's insights and expertise. Recognize that people have different levels of knowledge - this enriches the conversation. By listening to and accepting each other, the collective knowledge of the group grows.

4. Safe space for vulnerability

In dialogue, you each grow by creating space for vulnerability. It's okay to be critical, but do so in an exploratory way, without judging. You can safely express that you don't know or that you were wrong. This way, you learn together and instead of losing face,  it becomes a learning moment. By making yourself vulnerable, everyone's perspective is broadened.

5. Speak respectfully

Pay attention to how you phrase things. Speak in a way that does not harm the other person. Avoid judgmental language, generalisations, or personal attacks. Speak from your own experience (“I notice that...”, “for me it feels...”) instead of judging the other person (“you are...”, “you always...”).

6. Confidentiality

What is shared in the dialogue stays within the group unless otherwise agreed. This applies especially to personal stories and feelings. You may take and share the insights you gain, but not who said what exactly. This confidentiality makes it safe to be open.

Practical tips for before, during and after the dialogue

Preparing for the conversation

• Consider what your assumptions are about the topic and the participants.
• Ask yourself: what do I really want to understand about the other person?
• Check: am I willing to adjust my opinion?
• Consider what knowledge and insights you bring to the conversation and what is obvious to you, but also what you might not know about the topic or the other person.
• Consider individual dialogue coaching as preparation.

During the conversation

• Ask open questions: “What do you mean by that?” “What brings you to that conclusion?” Try to ask follow-up questions to show that you want to understand the other person and that you are willing to listen. This creates trust.
• Repeat back what you hear: “If I understand you correctly, then...”, and check: “Is this correct?”
• Share your thought process, not just your conclusion.
• Separate the people from the problem: if you disagree with the other person's opinion, don't make it personal but keep your focus on the topic.
• Don't ignore what others bring in, even if you feel resistance. Acknowledge what you hear.
• Address tension if it arises: “I notice that this topic is sensitive.”
• Pay attention to how you phrase things. Your words have an effect on how others feel and react, and thus on the conversation being conducted.
• Pause before you react. This can have a de-escalating effect.

After the conversation

• Reflect: what have you learned?
• Which assumptions turned out to be incorrect?
• What do you understand better now about the other person or the topic?
• What new insights have you gained about yourself, the other person, and the topic?

Safety check: what if it’s not working?

If the conversation isn’t going well, you have several options:

• Take a pause: physically step out of the room.
• Involve the facilitator: they are there to help and will best understand how you might be feeling.
• Address what is happening: “I notice that we are stuck” or “this is really too intense for me right now, can we take a pause?”.
• Ask for a different setting: sometimes a follow-up conversation would help better.

Taking a break

You can choose to pause the conversion if:

• you notice that emotions are running too high,
• you no longer feel safe or heard,
• the conversation is going in circles without progress,
• you notice that you only want to 'win'.

Stopping the conversation

If the conversation becomes unsafe (intimidation, verbal aggression, it becomes too much for you) or if there is no more room for real dialogue, then stopping is the right choice for you. You don't have to continue if the basis for healthy dialogue is not there. Discuss this with the facilitator so they can take action.